Let's Talk About Naivety.

Over the course of about 20 years, the sincerity found in relationships has degraded to the point of almost non-existence. With the newest Influences found in music, movies, and general society, binge drinking and casual sex have almost become the social norm. If I have any reason to believe in some kind of mythical deity it would be that sole reason. For those of you who know me personally, you have seen me evolve through the complicated intricacies of the social ladder. From a kid shitting his pants in a skating rink bathroom, to the polite seventeen year old, who is "oh so naive", and all too trusting of the deceit and tricks of the promiscuous female psychology. All the way to the vengeful, drunken, will -say anything- to- get -in-a-girls-pants, asshole that I am today. Now be aware, the previous description of my evolutionary timeline is vague at best. The actual transformation involved many more layers and stages, one of my personal favorites being my transition from naivety, to reckless disregard for other people's feelings.


After a failed two year relationship ending in an illegitimate pregnancy that I had nothing to do with, I went on a bit of a rampage. When it came to females, I had zero respect. Compulsive lying became an everyday occurrence. And as long as I knew it was going to get me laid, I didn't give a FUCK. One girl in particular was absolutely in love with me, and hell-bent on trying to make me settle down with her. Of course, I was not having any part of that shit, especially considering the fact that on a scale of 1-10 she was about a four, and my average standards for actually dating a girl stood around an eight at the least (still the same to this day as a matter of fact). Honestly the only reason I was keeping this girl around was because our conversations normally went a little something like this. (Keep in mind that I didn't have a car at this time, and I was only seventeen years old).





-Me (talking on the phone) "Hey what's up? You wanna come over?"



-Obsessed girl- "HEY! I was just thinking about you baby!"



-Me- "That's what's up. Hey, before you come do you think you could pick me up a log of dip and something to eat from Burger king?"



-Obsessed Girl- "Sure baby you know I got you."



-Me- "Awesome, get me a Large Deluxe grilled chicken sandwich, with fries and a HI-C"



-Obsessed girl- "That's my favorite hahahahaha!"



-Me- "Don't get anything for yourself please. I don't want you to smell like burger king while I'm fucking you later."





-OG - "Oh yeah, that's always kind of gross. Do you want anything else?"



-Me- "Yeah the dip, remember? Make sure you get Copenhagen Wintergreen. I don't want any of that Grizzly Mint crap."



-OG- "Oh yeah the dip! I can be so forgetful sometimes! I'll be over in a little bit babe, I love you!



-Me- "Me too."


The next step after one of these pretty much scripted phone calls, was for me to go into my room and play video games until I got a text message informing me she was in the driveway, which I would blatantly ignore. After about ten minutes I would reply with "Go ahead and let yourself in." She would then proceed to come in, have a seat on my bed, and watch me play games. After a while (seemingly right on schedule) she would begin to let out sighs of frustration, and start making comments about how I was not paying any attention to her, and then make this really annoying sound (almost relatable to human speech) about something concerning her feelings. These complaints were pretty much always blotted out by the sound of my chicken sandwich and my Xbox. After I finished my meal I would suggest we have sex, at which point she would forget her meager complaints and immediately oblige. The only problem I had with banging this girl was the fact that she CONSTANTLY wanted us to be face to face... Honestly getting this girl to do anything but Roman Catholic Missionary was like pulling teeth. This obviously wasn't my first choice of position considering her little issue with genetic cosmetics, but I would normally go along with it for the first twenty minutes or so just to keep her thinking that she could make me do anything she wanted, when in reality it was me who was in control; weird how that works huh? Now for the best part of our daily ritual, the part where she leaves without nagging or asking questions. Realize what I just said. This girl would come over to my house, bring me food and tobacco, watch me play video games, fuck me, and then go home without another word. It was fucking awesome. I probably would have considered wifeing her up if she was hot.


So I told you that story to tell you this story. One night after our daily ritual she wanted to go on a drive. I was dressed pretty much like a slob, I had my normal; stay -in-the- house- all-day video game attire on, and I really didn't want to go anywhere after sex. But she kept insisting and kept insisting until finally I gave in, threw on some flip-flops and hopped in her car. We drove about 20 minutes until we reached an abandoned parking lot. She flashed me a coy look and got into the back seat.

-Me (staring at her in the back seat)- "What the fuck are we doing here?"


-OG (taking her clothes off)- "I always wanted to fuck you in my car, get back here"



-Me-"Are you fucking kidding me? It's 9:30 at night and you drove me all the fuck the way out here to fuck in your car?! We could have done that in my driveway!"



-OG-(now in nothing but her shirt.)- "Awwww, c'mon baby it will be fun!"



-Me-"Jesus Christ... Fine but don't expect any kind of fucking performance. I really would rather be at home."



-OG- "Don't worry about It baby, you know I don't care about that, I just want you inside me."
(By the way I absolutely hate it when girls say that. It makes me feel completely disgusted. I don't know, maybe that's just me personally.)


I proceed to get in the car and climb into the back seat. I start getting into it without any real enthusiasm, until I notice that her shirt is hooked onto the handle of my car door, and every time I thrust it comes closer and closer to pulling the handle and disengaging the door latch. When she's not looking I reach up and unlock the door. I start thrusting as hard and fast as I possibly can in an effort to get the door to swing open, when finally... SUCCESS! The car door is now only being held shut by gravity and with every ounce of hate for the female population in my body built up to this moment, I put both my hands on her chest and push her out of the car and into the parking lot. I begin giggling like a 5 year old who just got a new transformer as I proceed to slam the door shut, turn on the overhead light, and lock every door in the car. "OG" Is now standing outside the door of the car with no shoes or pants on banging on the window and screaming curses at me like I just murdered her family. I cracked the window just enough to inform her that "Screaming is only going to attract attention!" After realizing that I'm right, her irritated screeches turn into loud pleading whispers.



-OG-(in a loud whisper)- "Alan, Let me back in the fucking car right now, people are going to see me naked! WE'RE GOING TO GET FUCKING ARRESTED!"


-Me- "Correction. YOU are going to get fucking arrested for being naked in a public parking lot."


-OG- "Alan, you are being such a fucking asshole right now. FUCKYOULETMEBACKINMYFUCKINGCARORIMNEVERGOINGTOTALKTOYOUAGAIN!"


-Me-"You should really be more polite to the guy that holds the fate of your criminal history in his hands. "


It then occurred to me that I could possibly use her plight to my advantage. So of course I began to use her nudity as a bargaining chip.

-OG- "Fine. Alan, can you please let me back into my car so I don't get arrested. I'm going back to college soon and I don't want to get into trouble.


-Me- "That's better. Now I'll let you back in the car on one condition. You have to let me put it in your butt.


-OG- "NO! You know I don't do that it's gross!"

-Me-"Well I haven't ever done it before, so it could possibly be your only bargaining chip to protect your higher education."

After about 10 minutes of pants less negotiation back and forth I settled for a blow job. (I'm a sucker for fellatio. Sue me.) . She finished me off, drove me back home, dropped me off and asked me to call her, but after that little incident I pretty much just stopped. Soon following my break in contact, weeks and weeks went by where I was overburdened with scorning text messages, and empty threats of violence from boyfriends, which I barely batted an eyelash at. Soon enough the texts stopped and I never really heard from "OG" again. I can only assume one of two things happened to her 1) she's successful and right about to finish up her college degree. Or 2) she's failing out miserably with a few kids and some other dickhead going to town on her crotch. I should feel bad but to be totally honest I'm pretty much indifferent. Let's be honest, if you are a college student, letting a thoroughly average looking 17 year old kid take advantage of you, you probably deserve it.